Rubber Bullet

Windshield Rites

Okay. What is this new phenomenon of people eulogizing their loved ones on their vehicle windshields?

 “R.I.P. Tammy 7/16/81–6/10/09. We love you, babe!” written next to a quaint jagged (ripped?) broken heart.

Somehow, I don’t think Tammy would appreciate being memorialized on a Ford F-150 windshield after she and the two tons of metal she was using as a cell phone booth was wrapped around a cement light post somewhere near Jigger, La.

Legalized Drugs: Why Our Great-Grandparents Were Happier

Bayer’s Heroin


A bottle of Bayer’s heroin. Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine. It was also used to treat children with strong cough.

Stephen Colbert Rips Apart Glenn Beck: Building His Career on 9/11

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The 10.31 Project
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor NASA Name Contest

Mental Health Hotline

Download MentalHealthHotline.mp3

Pesky, the Squirrel

Download pesky_the_squirrel.mp3

“Pesky, the Squirrel” recorded in 1987 by Radio X, starring...

• Mike Slobotzky: Announcer and Pesky
• Michael Johnson: Mr. Jones
• Lee Anne Moore: Mrs. Jones
• Jená Cane: Billy
• Maurice Martin: Mr. Tate-Stone
• David Saia: Mrs. Tate-Stone

Letter to Proctor & Gamble

This is an actual letter from an Austin, Texas woman sent to the American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best web-mail, award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Copper Clapper Caper

Download copper_clappers.wmv

Wimpy Words and Phrases to Avoid

You can wear the perfect suit, have great posture, and put on a winning smile, but you’ll still make a lousy impression to your speaking and media audiences if you use wimpy words and phrases. The following are words that get speakers into trouble.

Three Old Men and a Milk Truck: a radio play (Scene 4)

by Michael Stone Johnson, Maurice Martin and William Smith
SCENE 4: THE BEACH

SFX (OCEAN SOUNDS. SEAGULLS.)

MORT: Herb, do you know what day it is?

HERB: Tuesday?

MORT: I mean what special day is it?

HERB: What? It’s Morrie Amsterdam Day in Canada? How am I supposed to know?

MORT: It’s ten years ago today that we crash landed in Florida.

HERB: Oy. Let me guess... You’re depressed.

MORT: I can’t help it. I'm thinking of Ira. Poor Ira.

HERB: It’s ten years already. Let it go.

MORT: (SIGH) In my mind, I see it happen again and again. First we get hijacked, then we crash land into that milk truck...

HERB: It wasn’t a milk truck. I keep telling you, it was an ice cream truck.

MORT: It was dairy products!

Three Old Men and a Milk Truck: a radio play (Scene 3)

by Michael Stone Johnson, Maurice Martin and William Smith
SCENE 3: THE AIRPLANE

 

SFX (LOW HUM OF JET AIRPLANE HEARD FROM INSIDE THE PASSENGER’S CABIN.)

SFX (PLANE’S P.A. SYSTEM AS RIKI, A MALE “STEWARDESS,” ADDRESSES THE PASSENGERS.)

RIKI: Hello passengers and welcome aboard Oceana Airways flight 1864 non-stop to Miami. My name is Riki, and I’ll be your server today. The captain has turned off the “fasten seatbelt” sign, and I’ll be coming around in just a moment with a selection of healthy refreshments.

MORT: Look how high we are. I knew this was a mistake.

HERB: What’s the matter now?

MORT: We’re too high up!

IRA: Throw up? Here, use this bag.

SFX (BAG RATTLING.)

HERB: It’s a plane, Mort. We’re supposed to be high up. If we were on the ground it would be a bus.

MORT: We’re too high, I tell you. We’ll never get down.

IRA: I haven’t gotten down since September 2, 1978. That was the day that disco died.