Rubber Bullet

Three Old Men and a Milk Truck: a radio play (Scene 4)

by Michael Stone Johnson, Maurice Martin and William Smith
SCENE 4: THE BEACH

SFX (OCEAN SOUNDS. SEAGULLS.)

MORT: Herb, do you know what day it is?

HERB: Tuesday?

MORT: I mean what special day is it?

HERB: What? It’s Morrie Amsterdam Day in Canada? How am I supposed to know?

MORT: It’s ten years ago today that we crash landed in Florida.

HERB: Oy. Let me guess... You’re depressed.

MORT: I can’t help it. I'm thinking of Ira. Poor Ira.

HERB: It’s ten years already. Let it go.

MORT: (SIGH) In my mind, I see it happen again and again. First we get hijacked, then we crash land into that milk truck...

HERB: It wasn’t a milk truck. I keep telling you, it was an ice cream truck.

MORT: It was dairy products!

Three Old Men and a Milk Truck: a radio play (Scene 3)

by Michael Stone Johnson, Maurice Martin and William Smith
SCENE 3: THE AIRPLANE

SFX (LOW HUM OF JET AIRPLANE HEARD FROM INSIDE THE PASSENGER’S CABIN.)

SFX (PLANE’S P.A. SYSTEM AS RIKI, A MALE “STEWARDESS,” ADDRESSES THE PASSENGERS.)

RIKI: Hello passengers and welcome aboard Oceana Airways flight 1864 non-stop to Miami. My name is Riki, and I’ll be your server today. The captain has turned off the “fasten seatbelt” sign, and I’ll be coming around in just a moment with a selection of healthy refreshments.

MORT: Look how high we are. I knew this was a mistake.

HERB: What’s the matter now?

MORT: We’re too high up!

IRA: Throw up? Here, use this bag.

SFX (BAG RATTLING.)

HERB: It’s a plane, Mort. We’re supposed to be high up. If we were on the ground it would be a bus.

MORT: We’re too high, I tell you. We’ll never get down.

IRA: I haven’t gotten down since September 2, 1978. That was the day that disco died.

Three Old Men and a Milk Truck: a radio play (Scene 2)

by Michael Stone Johnson, Maurice Martin and William Smith
SCENE 2: THE AIRPORT

SFX (HOLLOW BACKGROUND AIRPORT SOUNDS. GENERAL CROWD MURMUR AND PERHAPS MUZAK.)

ANNOUNCER: Flight 142 is now boarding at Gate 11.

HERB: Come on, we’ve gotta find Gate 11. Pick up your feet, Ira, you’re shuffling again.

IRA: I’m shuffling as fast as I can.

MORT: I can’t believe it! He must’ve gotten batteries.

HERB: Hurry, Mort.

MORT: I’m hurrying already. I changed my mind. I don’t want to go to Miami. Look, we’re not even to gate two and I’m sweating like a pig. Nine more gates and I’ll be bacon grease.

HERB: Morty, you are not sweating like a pig.

MORT: Yes I am. It’s my sweat, I should know!

Three Old Men and a Milk Truck: a radio play (Scene 1)

by Michael Stone Johnson, Maurice Martin and William Smith
SCENE 1: THE HARDWARE STORE

SFX (BUSY, CLANKING BACKGROUND NOISES OF SMALL HARDWARE STORE. AN OCCASIONAL CASH REGISTER “CHING.”)

MORT: Miami? All they got in Miami is a lotta sand and Cubans.

IRA: (HARD OF HEARING) No thanks, I don’t smoke.

MORT: And I don’t tan well. See that little mole there, Herb? Skin cancer.

HERB: But Morty, we’ve been running this hardware store for 32 years without a vacation. I’m tired, already.

MORT: What no vacation? You spent two years in bed with the gout!

IRA: Grout? Aisle four, by the wood putty.